Sometime shortly after completing our eighth puzzle, exhausting every level in Mario Party, and successfully counting the floorboards in our kitchen, we started playing a new game. It’s called Foreigntine, and the premise is simple: What travel location would be the perfect one in which to be quarantined for an extended period of time? It would have to be remote. It would have to be secure. And it would have to provide anywhere from two to four months of entertainment simply by virtue of being itself.
To be clear, this game is not “Anywhere other than our apartment”. Most locations just would not make the Coronavirus cut. Because a Foreigntine destination’s most important quality is that it can’t require human interaction in order to appreciate. For example, Bangkok’s floating markets would be great for an outbreak where 6 centimeters of separation was the guideline, but in a 6-feet-or-more world they are instantly disqualified. Tokyo’s Shibuya crossing is a great photo op, but seeing as it famously hosts an average of 240,000 ten-person gatherings every day, it’s just not cut out for the lockdown life.
The ideal Foreigntines are the places that, were you traveling when all this madness went down and you were suddenly told you couldn’t leave exactly where you were for the next 8 to 24 weeks, you wouldn’t actually mind too much. These are destinations that don’t feed on activity, bustle, or unwanted touching (looking at you, Moroccan medinas). These are the rare places where just being there, in a time when that’s literally all you can do, would be enough.
Ubud, Bali
There have been very few times in the past couple weeks of lockdown when having an infinity pool overlooking a jungle paradise would not have made things a bit more bearable. Let’s face it, sooner or later even Netflix is going to run out of American underbellies to chronicle. At which point, observing a planet catching its breath for the first time in centuries from the vantage point of a private aquatic ledge would not only redefine binge viewing as affirmation rather than distraction, it would also provide a convenient if oversized basin for continuous hand washing. It’s true that Ubud is also famous for sites that are less pandemic-friendly, like crowded stone temples and rippling rice paddies, but the fact that this alcove of tranquility has positioned itself to reward staying in as much as venturing out easily earns it the distinction of certified Foreigntine hotspot.
Halstatt, Austria
Here’s the thing about the crown jewel of Austria’s lake district: Halstatt is already quarantined. Surrounded on all sides by a colossal natural wall of stone and only accessible by either small boat or tortuous mountain road, crowd control is in this place’s DNA. Not only that, but with very little change in terms of size and appearance for the past couple thousand years, the village might even be quarantined from time itself. Which makes it a top candidate for location in which to watch weeks become months without noticing. Now in a town this tiny, you’ll have to keep your head on a swivel to maintain healthy distances. The good news is that all state-recognized essential businesses would be within a short 5 min walk. Ordering a wurst and a Zipfer lager to-go and enjoying them on a secluded balcony like the one above would not only sustain us for the length of any lockdown, we might even elect to shelter in place a few extra weeks. Just to be on the safe side.
Lake Atitlán, Guatemala
Atitlán is a land so surreal and mysterious, I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me it sits within some kind of a magic protective orb of cosmic energy. An invisible dome impervious to disease but vulnerable to clean air, positive energy, and incredible coffee. There are a number of fascinating towns dotting shores of this absolute showstopper of a lake, but when Corona comes calling, you’ll find countless standalone retreats in which to bask in healthy solitude, with wobbly private docks serving as the sole points of entry/delousing. Isolation and natural beauty aside, Atitlán is a veritable bastion for all things wellness. Not that herbal remedies and daily yoga are proven to prevent COVID-19 (clinical trials pending), but it can’t hurt to engage in some spiritual cleansing while our respiratory systems circle the drain. And if there’s any truth to the theory of this virus dissipating in warmer temperatures, it can’t hurt to have an abundance of active volcanoes in close proximity as a last resort.
Wadi Rum, Jordan
You don’t have to look any further than colloquialisms “Sorry to burst your…”, “Need to get out of my…” and, most appropriately, “Boy who lived in a…”, to know that bubbles are legendary for their efficacy as protective barriers. And if you had your pick of all the cartoonish quarantine capsules in the world, it would be hard to choose against the one with a view of the most photogenic landscape in history. With its red sands, alien rock formations, and relative dearth of human life, Wadi Rum is often compared to Mars, a comforting analogy at a time when that planet’s number of confirmed COVID cases is a promising zero. And the fact that this bizarre environment is home to a niche industry of sporadically situated bubble hotels, means you can observe the beautiful wasteland from the safety of your own double-door airlock. Also, when you’re protecting against a pathogen with penchant for going airborne, burying your dinner underground to cook for several hours as the Bedouins do, might be the most hygienic form of meal prep on the planet. Provided everyone still washes their hands of course.
Namib Desert
If distancing is the mandate of the moment, why not pick the place who’s endless miles of emptiness are its claim to fame? Deserts offer separation as far as the eye can see, and a simple lodge plopped in the middle of a sand-strewn expanse is a great way to politely excuse yourself from a worldwide outbreak. In the US, social distancing is a shock to the system. In Namibia, whose population density is a whopping 8 people per square mile, it’s called a busy neighborhood. Now internet in barren wilds like these will be limited, so you’re likely to have a lot of memes to catch up on three months from now. But until constellations go on a writer’s strike, the world’s greatest light show will be free-to-view on a nightly basis for anyone willing to look upward. Throw in the occasional Oryx cameo and you’ve got some top tier nature content in the highest def imaginable. Just be sure not to wander too far from the lodge lest you happen upon a more ferocious creature, like one of the other 8 people in your square mile.
Cappadocia, Turkey
A time-honored practice in self-preservation, burrowing into the earth and away from predators, both physical and infectious, might just be the most secure way to wait out a pandemic. And if burrowing is what you’re after, Cappadocia is the world-renowned expert. It’s tough to find a lodging in this otherworldly Turkish terrain that isn’t retrofitted from a centuries-old search for subterranean salvation. And if these cave homes can offer sanctuary from medieval religious persecution, Coronavirus shouldn’t stand a chance. When vitamin D deficiency becomes a concern, there are plenty of outdoor walking paths through fields of suggestive stone shafts, which can be all but deserted depending on the time of day. And if things do get a little crowded, it’s back to the shelter of your fully-furnished hibernation hollow. As far as doomsdays go, Cappadocia has been prepping since plagues were bubonic.
