What Are You Even Talking About?
The most developed and accessible island in the Gulf of Thailand, Samui is the easiest starting point for exploring the rest of the area. It’s also a relatively safe introduction to the world of Thai islands, decidedly less lawless than its neighbors while still maintaining a healthy dose of strange
It’s A Koh Family Thanksgiving, Which Relative Is Samui?
The successful uncle that keeps getting up from the table to take calls on his Bluetooth. He drinks more expensive liquor than the rest of the table, and is also the only one at dinner wearing shoes. But he starts to loosen up when some embarrassing childhood stories start surfacing later in the night, and before you know it he drunkenly admits his Bluetooth calls were to his stripper mistress. Once a Koh, always a Koh.
What They’ll Tell You To Do
Ark Bar:
The beginning and usually ending of activity on Chaweng Beach. Ark Bar is part Western restaurant, part budget hotel, part spring-break-esque pool bar, and part beach party under the stars. It’s what a large percentage of Samui visitors are there to do, for better or worse. It’s the party energy of many of the Thai islands minus the walks down dusty backroads patrolled by packs of limping dogs, it’s the cheap drinks minus the reliance on questionably constructed bamboo foundations, it’s the beach minus much of that narcotic “we’re in Thailand” feeling you get elsewhere. In that sense, it’s arguably a microcosm for the island itself. And while all of this might sound overly critical, I will say that we had our best day in Samui at the Ark Bar pool meeting a group of stag party Aussies who proved to be some of the most fun fellow travelers of the trip so far. It was an amazing time and I wouldn’t change it for anything. But it probably could have happened a lot of different places that weren’t an island in the Gulf of Thailand.
What You Should Actually Do
Rock Bar:
I’ll write more on Rock Bar shortly, but think of this hidden geode as the inverse reflection Ark Bar. Located near Lamai, this reggae joint (get it?) is really just a series of wooden platforms stuck into the rocks in a tiny alcove on the water. The music is rasta, the beers are cheap, the shakes are happy, and the setting is laughably shabby. The funny part about this bizzaro Ark Bar, is that we never would have known it existed if we hadn’t met the group of Aussies in that establishment’s fist-pump-to-enter pool bar earlier in the day. In between Chris Lilley quotes and neon-green shots, they insisted on us joining them later at Rock Bar, and doing so might have been our favorite thing we did in Samui. And that’s kind of how the island works, smashing yin and yang into each other like a monkey with two tambourines until something memorable happens. As far as identity crises go, Koh Samui’s is one of the better to get caught up in.
Would We Go Back?
There’s a solid chance we’ll return to Samui at some point, but that is largely due to convenience. Being only one of two Thai islands with an airport (Phuket is the other), it’s the perfect entry point for further exploration into the Gulf. We wouldn’t fly around the world just to come back to Samui, but if we end up spending the night on the way to more peculiar rocks in the ocean we wouldn’t be opposed.
Yo, This Place Lit?
Indeed it is. Chaweng beach has everything from Ark Bar bombast, to plastic chair flimsiness, to illuminated table top lounging, all on the same plot of sand. In the town behind the beach, you’ll find the strobing sin Thailand is infamous for on Soi Mango, a winding lane of pubs, clubs, and “other”. Lamai has its own scene as well, less developed but quickly working to change that. You’ll barely have to look to be confronted with Samui’s party scene, but as we mentioned earlier, you’ll have to put in some effort to find somewhere that sets itself apart.
Gramworthy?
There are plenty of typical Thai day trips to see some of the spectacular surrounding scenery, but the part of Koh Samui we were exposed to, while certainly stunning, lacks the likeworthy spark of many of its more flamboyant cousins. You’ll get the white sand and the absurdly blue water, but you’ll have to make a day of it to achieve that “this couldn’t have happened in the Caribbean” X-factor.
Stream of Consciousness
Food quality in the Thai islands tends to have an understandably inverse relationship to the island’s exoticism. So because Samui is the most built-up island around, the food, both in variety and quality is an order of magnitude better; Contrary to what instagram may have led you to believe, Samui isn’t a small speck of sand in the ocean, its a big island with highways and traffic and an airport and a Hooters. So while beachiness abounds, true islandiness is a more precious commodity; There are two rock formations near Lamai Beach referred to as the “Grandfather and Grandmother” stones. They respectively resemble an erect penis and a vagina. Though nearby each other, the distance between them leads me to believe things could be going better in the marriage.
